Sickipedia

The waiter asked her if she'd like scalloped potatoes she replied "no thankyou I don't like seafood" It was at that point I realised she maybe just dumb enough to sleep with me.

I'm seeing this girl who gets off when I dress up as a norse god. It's a very Loki affair.

I warned my pyromaniac mate not to go on tinder.

Typical female online dating profile: "I'm looking for a tall, educated, good looking man who likes to go to the gym and keep fit. He needs to own his own house, earn over 40k a year and drive his own car. If you match what I'm looking for, send me a well worded message and I'll consider replying to you. Tracey - 41, overweight, 3 kids from 2 different dads. Profession: Stay at home mummy."

Getting inside a ladies knickers is a battle with two fronts. The first front is making her laugh. The second front is slipping the drugs in her drink without getting caught.

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival. "There's so many games!" he said. "What do you wanna do?" "I wanna get weighed." she says, looking shyly at the ground. They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal. What next? he asks. "I wanna get weighed" she says, confidently looking at him. They return to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins... Nothing. The vendor has a good memory. "What now?" he asks, a bit annoyed at the repeat activity. She looks at the man, holding his gaze and carefully says "I. Wanna. Get. WEIGHED." He ends the date right there and storms off. Dejected, the girl goes home to her roommate, who asks "How was your date?" She throws the stuffed animal to the ground and shouts "Wousy!"

My blind date didn't go so well the other evening with quite a large girl called Ellie. She started crying and fucked off when I just asked if her surname was phant.

My cousin and his new wife are massive bugs bunny fans. They met on WhatsApp.

My friends have set me up on a date tonight, they told me she's a paleoanthropologist and wrote her thesis on Pleistocene man. I really want to make a good impression so I've been watching every episode of Morph I can find.

My mate moses is always getting his end away. The smooth talking fucker can part any womans legs .