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Caliphatian Thistle

Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister’s chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. " You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, ”I can’t afford to be blamed for anything.” The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. " My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola. The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me." " What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola. " I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."

That Salmond bloke is a fucking liar, saying he's not a predatory sexual pervert. I watched a film of him swimming up a river naked, then spunking all over everything, then he got eaten by a Grizzly bear .....no wait! I've got that wrong haven't I?

Nicola Sturgeon understood to be considering transitioning into a woman as the threat of jail time looms

Let's hope The Irn Lady is not for returning.

Fully expecting Nicola Sturgeon to come out today, pleading with all young kids, not to leave mince pies and carrots out for Santa tonight.. and instead, replace it with a lateral flow test.

Not really a joke, but this should make you laugh (or cry perhaps)! The Scottish Government has bought 20 x Tesla electric cars at £100K each (yes that does make £2M) to ferry the international leaders between the COP26 summit and their digs at Gleneagles. Just one small problem… …Gleneagles doesn't have any charging points and the only ones en route don't fit Teslas. So the Scottish Govt have had to buy a big diesel powered generator to charge them. 🤣🤣 On dear. What a shame. Never mind 🤣🤣

Something fishy about the lack of Alex Salmond jokes on here today.

Scotland voted yesterday to take assisted suicide to the next level. They haven't given up all hope of IndyRef2 then.

Nicola Sturgeon at 53 has passed her driving test, next week she learns how to make toast and beans and change a lining bag in a pedal bin.