Sickipedia

Is it called the 'Holy' Bible because the story in it is so full of holes?

NOT A JOKE #sorryboutit "How about stop praying for all these countries when some knobhead kills people, and start praying they don't die in the first place?" "God works in mysterious ways." Well fuck you and fuck your God. Your Christian bible says that God WILL answer all prayers. Not that he might, or will only answer some. "Ask and you WILL receive." If he is so fucking good why does he let people die in horrific ways? Children with cancer? Terrorism? Brain aneurysms? Because he's a fucking cunt. And even if he did exist (which he doesn't), I still wouldn't worship that angry fucking wankpuffin. He's an absolute bellend and deserves to be stricken from history. Because news flash - HE'S A HUGE PART OF THE FUCKING PROBLEM! That's all I have. P.S Jesus was an arab jew from the middle east, who was just a pretentious bastard with a slut mother.

Footprints in the Sand (reworked):- One night I dreamed a dream. As I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, One belonging to me and one to my Lord. After the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that at many times along the path of my life, especially at the very lowest and saddest times, there was only one set of footprints. This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it. "Lord, you said once I decided to follow you, You'd walk with me all the way. But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life, there was only one set of footprints. I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me." He whispered, "My precious child, when you saw only one set of footprints, I was seeing to one of my other 2½ Billion followers you needy bastard!"

It is said asylum seekers such as Liverpool bomber change to Christian religion in order to say they would be at risk if sent back to home country and these people can change to become Christian in just five weeks after completing a basic course. What they don’t say is how easy that course is.I became Christian when I was baptised and I was only six weeks old (I can’t even remember doing any course) and like most asylum seekers I couldn’t speak a word of English then either.

INFORMATION: God loves us so much that he let his son die on the cross for us. Tomorrow comemarates our Saviour when he ascended into heaven. Any jokes on Sunday, disrespecting the Lord wont be tolerated and will be deleted Please remember Jesus died for us. As you where. Joey (Tick,Blue shield) ( Mod)

Fred McPhail has a reputable company called McPhail's nails, business is poor, so he decides to have a newspaper advertisement designed, approaching his local newspaper for ideas. An artist draws up a sketch of Jesus on the crucifix and a legionnaire hammering the nails into his wrists, with the slogan: 'They used McPhails Nails'. Fred runs the advert in the local paper and gets bad reviews when it receives complains of blasphemy. Pissed off, he returns to the artist. “give me something else that doesn't have Jesus ON the the cross”. He snapped. The artist draws up another sketch, this time Jesus lying at the bottom of the crucifix with the headline: 'Should've used McPhail's Nails'. Old joke.

I wouldn't say I was a coward, but I deserted from the Salvation Army.

A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips… “Are you the friar?” he asked. The brother replied “No. I’m the chip monk.”

Jesus said unto his disciples, "I tell you most solemnly, whomsoever divideth the circumference of a circle by its diameter shall with his own eyes see the glory of our heavenly father." John 3.14

↑ (contd.) As Agnes’ heart stopped her conscious being followed a brilliant light, she followed it down a tunnel, it became an escalator and at the top of the escalator she found the famed pearly gates to Heaven. To the side of the gates was a hole, she glanced down the hole and saw that it was a chute down to Hell, she could see an enormous room with a banqueting table loaded with lobster, steak, caviar, vintage wines, fruit, Cognac, and other such fine fayre. An orchestra played and the room was filled with the sound of carousing from the happy adulterers, tyrants, murderers, rapists, homosexuals, paedophiles and Sickipedia Mods. The pearly gates swung open St Peter welcomed her into Heaven, before long she was with God and Jesus but puzzled that Heaven seemed empty. After a while Jesus said to her "Agnes, I'm going to open a tin of spam so we can have sandwiches, is that OK with you?" Agnes replied "Lord I am puzzled, I saw Hell and the Godless people live in great luxury, I have led a good life I suppose that I had hoped Heaven would be better than Hell?" Jesus sighed and replied "I know but it's just not worth the effort of cooking for the 4 of us!" [( Gross-Rosen )]