Sickipedia

My crush told me that I'm pretty. Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.

"The media is to blame for driving Caroline Flack to suicide" Say self appointed Facebook experts Because she was of course of perfectly sound mind when she tried to smash her husband's skull

Of course size matters. You don't see many girls wanking themselves off with a cocktail sausage.

I went to visit my wife in hospital and took her flowers. My girlfriend will love them.

I went to into a brothel last night and said how much for anal? She said "Sixty quid" I said"that's a bit expensive i think i'll leave it" She said "Tight Arse!" I said "Oh ...go on then"

I saw this girl crying in the pub so I went up to her and asked what was wrong. "I split up with my boyfriend because he's a sexist pig." "I'm a great listener if you want to tell me more." I replied. "But you don't even know me," She cried, "why would you want to listen to me?" "Because you have massive tits."

I just had an advertisement come on the radio, "What is the secret of Serena Williams's success ?".... and apparently it's some fruity sports drink. That surprised me, as I'd have guessed a pair of bollocks and a donkey dick.

I went for a walk with a beautiful girl today. Then she noticed me, so we went for a run.

I met this sexy girl in a club last week and told her she reminded me of my little toe... Why because I am small and cute? she replied No I said cause I am gonna bang you on my coffee table later!

I hate twats that say "Oh my god it's to die for". I bet it's not ...... And If it was, why are they still fucking here ?