Sickipedia

The vet reported me to the police for animal cruelty, when the cat was finally out of the bag.

I always thought it was tradition to throw rice at the newly married couple. I didn't know you were supposed to take it out of the bag first.

Patrick Stewart can actually grow a full head of hair, its just every role hes ever been offered is playing the part of a bald man

My brother studied Physics at Cambridge under Professor Stephen Hawking. He's still got the tyre marks on his face.

I had a argument with the legendary Scottish singer Ricky Ross last night and ended up rolling on the floor and strangling him.... Deacon's blue .. (No you fuck off)

I didn't believe this girl when she told me she played guitar for a Monkees tribute band. The I saw her bass...

My wife was fast asleep on the plane within minutes of it taking off. Waste of fucking money that sight seeing tour of the Grand Canyon was.

A headteacher from Port Talbot who attacked a fellow teacher with intent to cause serious injury has been warned by the judge that a prison sentence is 'inevitable'. His lawyer expressed disappointment saying he hoped his client, a first offender, would get off with lines.

I don’t understand why Trump is getting so worked up about the minerals in Ukraine. Doesn’t he know you can 422 gems on here for £3.99 a month?

My black mate slipped on some ice the other day and scraped his knee real bad. He sent me a pic of his banged up, bloody knee, so, just to take the piss, I thought of a cute nickname for him. I saw him the next day and said "Whats up Knee Gore?" And he punched me in the face! Lesson learned. Black people are very offended if you joke about their leg injuries.