Sickipedia

My daughter met a Swedish boy who's dad owns a hi-fi shop. Now she's banging Olaf's son. Do your worst everyone........

My wife and I have decided to go down the adoption route and have discussed our preferences. She wants a girl and I want a Snow Leopard.

Being a parent means enthusiastically clapping a lot of mediocre stuff!..It's a bit like being a Coldplay fan!!

Sometimes I play hopscotch with my daughter. I kick her in the shin and drink Scotch.

I finally met my girlfriend's parents for the first time today and judging by the looks on their faces they didn't seem very impressed... Miserable cunts. It was that awkward I nearly told the warden to take me back to my cell.

I said to my parents, "Mum...dad. I've decided to live on my own from now on." "Ok, cool, son," they replied. I said, "All your fucking luggage is outside."

'Single mums in your area are desperate to meet you now'. Too fucking right they do, I'm a benefits advisor.

The first 20 minutes of conversation at my mum's house is just killing time until it's socially acceptable to ask for the wifi password

It was my kids nativity yesterday. I really enjoyed it, I actually managed to get a few hours peace at home.

My 2 yr old was choking on his dinner earlier so I quickly ran to the fridge for a bottle of Dutch beer and gave him a few sharp blows to his back. He might have died if I hadn't remembered the Heineken Manoeuvre.