Sickipedia

Biomethane not viable for widespread use in UK home heating, report finds. I dunno. I've warmed things up under the duvet nicely, but the wife's moaning about the smell.

Out drinking, my mate told me about "Vabbing". Where young women touch themselves, then dab the aroma on their neck, so the Pheromones arouse guys around them. After a couple more drinks, I thought I'd try it, see if it works for us men. Not really. I looked like I was wearing a Dairylea ruff.

The top Starmer aide forced to resign, made jokes about going down on Diane Abbott. There are some things you don't even joke about.

I was telling a priest about the sad state of our world. "For example," I began, "the rate of child prostitution is far too high." The priest said, "Oh yes, if only it was cheaper."

Doctor doctor I keep getting an erection while having a shit That's perfectly normal due to the bloodflow and stimulation of your prostate. When did this last happen? This morning on a rent boy's chest

Memories from a day long gone. I was sat here last night thinking back to days gone by, in particular to the first time I used a hospital ‘bed pan’. I told the nurse I needed both a number 1 and a number 2. After a lengthy delay she pushed a ‘trolley’ up to my bed. I managed to wriggle and squirm until I sat on it. First came the number 1 and I very quickly realised my wedding tackle was now submerged in piss. Next came the number 2, a huge ocean going turd. It was so stiff that the nurse was unable to place the trolley cover over it. As it was pushed away, I noticed it wobble a bit and I could not help but think ‘it’s waving me good bye, so I smiled and waved back. Happy days. PS I assumed the nurse was going to get a Blue Peter flag with which to adorn it on it’s forthcoming travails.

"What are these ?" said my wife and her mother as they took a bite, and I explained they are horse doovers... "Oh, these are the hors d'oeuvres from Belgium," they said... and I replied, "Back when I was younger, what the horses dropped out back at the stables we also called horse doovers."

My wife rang me. I said, "I don't get a fucking minutes piece. I'm right in the middle of having a shit." She said, "Sorry, how was I supposed to know you're on the toilet?" I said, "I'm not, I'm in the bath."

Today's Guardian: 'Donald Trump wants celebrities to kiss his ring. Bill Maher did: who’ll be next?' Excuse me for a sec, I'm just going to go and gouge out my mind's eye.

New low for my fat wife today as she was picking out of her arsehole and eating it in public. When several passerby commented that that is disgusting, I just said, "Meh, it's dingleberry season."