Sickipedia

I took my wife to one of these restaurants where the beef is very tender and they massage the cows. She wasn't expecting the waiter to come up from behind and give her a shoulder rub.

My wife said, "I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you, I've been standing in the kitchen waiting to talk to you for fucking hours." "Oh sorry, I thought the new fridge finally got delivered."

Earlier this summer we were out in a seaside town and this sexy young lady was in a red bikini and posing for photos on top of a large white yacht. I whistled and said, "YOWZA, she could compete for the America's Cup !" My wife punched me and said, "How come you never say anything like that about me ?" "Of course you could compete for the America's Cup too... as the fucking boat."

Once when we went to France, we went out of our way and changed our itinerary when my wife got excited hearing about "The Burghers of Calais." 5 different Burger Kings she stormed in the area that day.

My wife's three defining features are her morbid obesity, she's a huge Beatles fan, and she's incontinent One can say that she gets by with a little help from Depends.

On Saturday night, my wife had a donor kebab. This other slender lady thought it best to immediately give her sandwich to the fat beast, for her own safety

On one of the innumerable times I had to shuttle my obese wife to the hospital, I told the doctor that my wife lives a sedimentary lifestyle. "Don't you mean sedentary?", he said with condescension ? "No, every time she gets up from parking her fat arse on the sofa, there's an odd and completely unexplainable deposit of sand that's lying there."

Once on holiday, my obese wife got hopelessly lost in picturesque Southwest Germany until I somehow found her. The fat bitch was salty the rest of the time I did nothing but tell our tour group how I had spotted the Black Forest ham.

"Make a Wish certainly came through for my Homo lad with AIDS," I said at work, "they sent him on three tours of every queer useless West End show he wanted to see and all that shite." "Not for me and my lad dying of cancer," My coworker James sniffled, "He wanted to go to Africa and just see Elephants and Rhinos, and fucking nothing." "Well if he wants he can come over and watch my obese wife and daughter sunbathe, it's close enough."

My fat wife said she couldn't understand the utter contempt I have for her when other times I praise her, and that I'm bipolar. "That's not what I meant when I said 'You are the World'."