Sickipedia

Harvey Price now weighs 29 stone. He is now in the guiness book of records as world's heaviest vegetable

Diabetes is just another way of saying "I'm such a fat cunt I can no longer be trusted with sugar".

The nurse said, "I can see the head now, push, push." So typical of my wife to get stuck in the MRI machine.

These days I only cook using locally-sourced produce. For example last night I made a casserole using my next door neighbour's cat

I bought the other half some sexy lingerie for her birthday. Her face lit up when she opened the box but she frowned and said, "You've got the wrong size you useless twat, it's 3 sizes too small!" I explained "It's OK love, I checked with the woman at Ann Summers before I bought it and she said if it's too small for you you can probably get a gastric band and liposuction on the NHS!"

'Scot left stunned after Lewis Capaldi's face appears in bag of chips'. Uh, that's where you'll usually find it.

Two birds, one stone. The story of two anorexic best mates.

My wife has put a bit of weight on, she's tried every kind of diet and does excercise from time to time, but in the end she just hasn't got the will power . So we went to hospital to see a the consultant, he suggested she try having her stomach stapled . He explained the procedure and saw the worried look on my face . He said "dont worry sir it's quite routine these days, I assure you your wife is in safe hands". I said "it's not that, I was hoping you were going to staple her fucking mouth shut".

Before he died Paul Cattermole looked more like he spent the last 20 years reaching for the Mars bars.

Mariah Carey has told Lorraine Kelly that she needed six men to carry her dress for her upcoming Christmas special. Shoulda taken it off first, chubby.