Sickipedia

I fucking told the gagrge I worked at I had a nut allergy. But they still sacked me when all the wheels fell off.

I pulled a nose hair out today to see if it would hurt. Judging by the reaction the bloke asleep next to me on the bus, it fucking does.

If ever you find a time machine, don't make the same mistake I did. I decided to travel to the year 2045 to see if Global warming was real. It was no surprise to discover Greta Thunderthighs was Secretary General of the UN but I was horrified to find out I had been missing for 25 years !

When my father died recently I inherited his 27 bedroom country mansion, his collection of classic Ferraris, his £187m stock portfolio, £50m in cash, and his habit of lying through his teeth to make himself look good.

How long does it take for a kitten to explode in a microwave..? Im not sure either, I was wanking so hard my glasses fell off....

My dad always said "when one door shuts, another one opens" He never could sell that Skoda.

Okay, it’s over, it’s done. No more jokes about that ship stuck in the Suez Canal. That ship has sailed.

Sean Connery’s will provided money to set up a medical centre in Scotland. This centre, opened last year, was dedicated to the study of viruses. Also included in the financing was a dating site to allow the virologists to find shingles in the local area.

As a student, a long time ago, I worked in South Shields one summer, as a bus conductor. Every Friday night a drunk would get on the late bus and ask for a 10p wank. Eventually I mentioned this to the bus inspector and asked him what to do. "Take his money" said the inspector "and toss him off at the next stop". Ding, ding.

We went to Spain on holiday a couple of years ago, we stayed in a small hotel near the coast and had a great time until the third day when I ate a dodgy tapas. On returning to the hotel room I started to feel very unwell and eventually I phoned reception to see if they could get me to hospital. Two minutes later, there was a knock on the door and in walked a doctor, I was surprised, “That was quick” I said (in Spanish) “how did you get here so fast ?” “I’m the hotel doctor” he replied, also in Spanish. I told him I didn’t think hotels had doctors on their staff. He smiled then said, in English, “Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician” Voy a buscar mi chaqueta.