Sickipedia

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then: Electricians are delighted Corpses are decrypted Cowboys are deranged Models are deposed Underwear models are debriefed Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted Jilted women are debrided HVAC technicians are deducted Tennis linemen are defaulted Florists are deflowered Students are detested Hostels are debunked Spies are debugged and detailed Corporations are deformed and delimited Celibate people are delayed Chauffeurs are derided Record keepers are described Plumbers are dethroned Clerks are defiled Traffic cops are defined Naturists are denuded Election officials are devoted Accountants are decertified Builders are deconstructed Confused people are demystified Intelligence officials are declassified Interpretors for the deaf are designed Road builders are degraded Waiters are deserved Horses put out to stud are desired Castles are demoted Organ donors are delivered Anything certain is depending And if you found this funny, you're probably demented, defective and in denial.

I was sat on the edge of the bed pulling my boxers off and my missus said...... “you spoil them dogs”.

So a police constable murdered and chopped up Sarah Everard then. It's fucking P.C gone mad I tell you.

I had a meeting with my son's headteacher. I slammed my hand on the desk. "My son...Nick...came home from school with ash on his clothes. He seemed mildly stimulated, too." "Nicotine?" he asked me. I said, "Not even that, he's twelve."

Ive just met a Chinese drug addict.He said "Have you seen my cocaine?". I said "Not since he starred in Zulu".

When I was in prison I wrote a book on pieces of toilet paper. It's about all the handy things you can do with them.

Tiny desk speech

I know this might make me sound big headed, I can't get my fucking jumper off.

I got my wife some tights made from the skin of Jewish people. She asked, 'What denier are they?' I replied, 'Holocaust denier.'

At the job interview, the bloke conducting the interview was quite obviously a friend of dorethy, he mentioned his interest in medieval weapons and archery and such. I really need a job so wanting to appear highly educated I mentioned I like medieval stuff as well and do all my own felching. I Can't believe it,i've got the job.