Sickipedia

My wife's on a diet, for months she's been eating nothing but lo-cal food. Turns out she was just shopping at Sainsbury's Local.

There was an angry note on the kitchen table as I staggered in late last night from the pub, “you better decorate that effing Christmas tree before you crawl up to bed”. She’ll be so pleased in the morning I thought.

What a load of cobblers !

"You disgust me," I said to my wife.... "What ? As you can see I started my new diet today..... only six Big Macs instead of seven."

Why women are no longer having babies...

Once on an Arctic cruise, the biggest beast we had ever seen rose out of the ocean, that we all gasped for sure that it had to be the fabled Norse Lyngbakr, the ship-swallowing whale. Finally though my wife managed to signal for some buoys, after she had fallen overboard.

My large wife claimed she was sick at a hot-air-balloon event, and wouldn't go in the dirigible she paid an expensive ticket for. "This blimp won't go up," I sighed.

You'd have to be daft or insane to open an all-you-can-eat anything in America.

Some little kid behind my wife in the queue asked her, "Are you The Hulk ?" I said, "You're on point about her size, but it's probably just chlorosis from vitamin-deficiency that's made her skin turn green."

My wife's thinking of giving up being an Adele impersonator, because she's now too fat to tour. "Shoud I give up, or should I just keep cracking pavements ?"