Sickipedia

Sarah Ferguson can no longer refer to herself as the Duchess of York. She has to return to her original title, 'The Hampshire Slapper'.

Taliban cuts off internet to prevent immorality - leaving Afghanistan cut off from the world. Gives them more time to fuck their 6-year-old wives.

Jimmy Kimmel's TV show has been suspended indefinitely, after failing to show sufficient respect for Charlie Kirk, the Patron Saint of Wilful Ignorance, to appease all those First Amendment enthusiasts out there. Well, before he got smoked, ol' Kirky there was a firm supporter of both the First and Second Amendments. I'd just like to say that the occasional dead right-wing gobshite is a price well worth paying, if it means Americans can keep their guns. You know, to defend themselves against a tyrannical Government, were one of those ever to emerge...

I was buying my 4th house, and before I paid my property tax, I asked if the Rayner deal was still available. The bloke said, I'll ask you a few questions and we'll see if you qualify.... "Have you created trust funds for all your children to reduce your tax? Is everything in your Wife's name? Do you have a bank account in a tax-free haven?" Yes, yes and yes, I replied. Thank you, sir - nothing to pay today.

Besotted Oscar Pistorius's new life with his heiress lover. She hasn't taken a shit for three months.

Autopsy reveals cause of death for Brazilian tourist who fell into volcano. Hmmm, that's a tough one. I'm going to go with, she fell into a fucking volcano.

After analysing Hitler's DNA, it was discovered that the dictator had Kallmann Syndrome, which affects the development of sexual organs, creates low testosterone, causes abnormal genital development and a lack of a sense of smell. Oh. And yes. A burning desire to kill Jews

Sadiq Khan brands Trump 'Islamophobic' after the US President trashed his 'terrible' record at the UN and claimed capital risks 'Sharia law'. Khan says Trump should receive 60 lashes of the whip.

Bullet-catching shit-stirrer Charlie Kirk claimed that Hamas were using Palestinian civilians as human shields, by putting them in buildings such as schools and hospitals. Yeah, for the life of me I can't think of any other valid reason you'd find civilians in such locations.

Trump suggests the broken UN escalator could have gravely injured him as he demands the culprits behind 'sabotage' be arrested. It's that kind of bravery that nearly got you drafted.