Sickipedia

I applied for a presenters job with GB news. They said I wasn't that much of a cunt.

I missed the World Hairdressing Championships on TV last night. Does anyone know if they’re showing highlights?

Wat iz pink an rustee. .? My mumz massif fakin carst ion dildo coz itz fookin hooge innit

Jeremy Corbyn and Zarah Sultana dropped as Your Party leaders. SPLITTERS!

When James Bond is abroad he is known as +44 07. Not a lot of people know that.

More Bond remakes. Coonraker. Chicken Royale. From Russia With Drugs You Only Steal Twice The Spy Who Robbed Me Octowhitebitchpussy A Veiw From A Cell Drive By Another Day Spooktre.

True story: I've just seen a white bloke walk up the street with two mixed race kids, they looked happy as fuck. It was like watching a fucking TV commercial.

"Mwahahahahaha.... ..BAHAHAHAHAHAHA..... .HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..." Credit: Joaquin Phoenix/the Joker

The Lorraine Kelly interviews: 3 Jon Warboys. Ooooooooooh Jon lovely to meet you. How many women did you rape again? You're looking great. Do you moisturise? Now then, the one question I've been dyin tae ask ya is how difficult is it to pass the knowledge? I tell ye I'd be hopeless at it, I get lost driving through Motherwell. Now, you may not remember but you actually picked me up once in Greenwich. Yer did nee offer me any champagne and tell me you'd had a big win at the casino. When I realised who you were I was actually quite offended. Still, I went on a diet and lots loads of weight so I've got you tae thank for that. Whats your thoughts on Uber? Those black taxi's can turn around in a tight circle can't they? Sorry to hear about the parole board reversing their decision. You must be gutted. What's your favourite colour? Thanks for coming on the show Jon. What a lovely man.

Gonna be a bit weird having a wank to Doctor Who.