Sickipedia

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA? Kicked out of Sea world.

Wayne Rooney's £20m Cheshire mansion has undergone an extensive renovation. He has installed a snooker room, home cinema, wine cellar and a 10 bedroom granny flat.

I've just watched both episodes of the 'Leaving Neverland' documentary back-to-back, by the end of the second episode I had tears streaming down my face. I reached for a Kleenex to dab at my tears but realised I'd used them all during the first episode.

I took a partially deaf girl back to my place last night as she was giving me all the right signs. When I went to lick her out though, the smell from her cunt was overwhelming and, to make things worse, she had shit herself. As I grabbed my coat and made for the door she said.."what's wrong, why are you leaving?" I replied..." You have a smelly clit miss and a crap in your rear." She said..."Yeah, same to you but why are you leaving?"

Starting to get a bit fed up hearing about the Amber Heard/ Johnny Depp court case now. Hopefully that shit will soon be put to bed.

A cow can produce up to 500 litres of methane a day. Well the one I married does anyway.

Sam Smith... “Ooh, please don’t call me he or him. I’m not sure what I am.” I know exactly what you are, Sam. They is an utter cunt.

Predictable (noun) : what female to male transsexuals lie on before their operation.

God created rainbows to make the world look better. Not to represent your mental illness. Just kidding. God is imaginary. Just like your made-up gender.

In The News: An 89-year-old pensioner was taken to the wrong house by ambulance and tucked up in a strangers bed. Meanwhile, Wayne Rooney has made another generous donation to his local ambulance service.