Sickipedia

It was my birthday so before our obligatory fuck, my wife dressed up in a "sexy maid's uniform" with a pinny. I was able to orgasm into the fat walrus-looking bitch thinking, "This rather does suit a Pinniped."

My large wife claimed she was sick at a hot-air-balloon event, and wouldn't go in the dirigible she paid an expensive ticket for. "This blimp won't go up," I sighed.

Some little kid behind my wife in the queue asked her, "Are you The Hulk ?" I said, "You're on point about her size, but it's probably just chlorosis from vitamin-deficiency that's made her skin turn green."

There was some stupid thing in "Diversity Training" last week where it was said that the song "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" by Arethra Franklin was somehow "the greatest thing ever to happen in black culture." "Of course," I laughed, "It proved that black people finally know how to spell."

We were in New York and got stopped by the lady from "Extra Medium Stuff" doing Street Trivia. She asked, "for $ 500, what does the 19th Amendment to the US Constitution do ?" I quickly replied, "It grants women suffrage," and then she was none too pleased when I ripped the money out of her hand and laughed, "And we've been suffering ever since."

My wife's thinking of giving up being an Adele impersonator, because she's now too fat to tour. "Shoud I give up, or should I just keep cracking pavements ?"

An American boy is sitting in a school library assiduously studying Hebrew when he starts getting mocked by his peers. When they ask why he needs to do this, he responds, "When I go to Heaven, I can speak with Moses and Abraham in their own language." "What if you's goes to Hell ?" "I already talk American."

I once sold electric fences in Wales, and a year later I went back for a follow-up with some clients. "Turn the power down real low, and when the sheep get their heads stuck they're moving when they're making love."

My gay son finally got told he's too old to be an altar boy, but he can start training for the priesthood. "Ooooh no thank you, I'm only suited to being on the receiving end."

My wife once met her favourite actor Hugh Jackman in the middle of London. Overcome with emotion, she rushed him and proposed him for sex, but he rebuffed her as "much too fat" and told her to go fuck off. "Well, maybe he should change his name to Hugh Jackoff," I said, barely consoling her.