Sickipedia

All the local mothers are furious with me, after the local special-needs boy took a bad blow to the face whilst attending my son's Birthday Party. I just assumed that pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey was to be played with an actual donkey

I hung my head mournfully over the coffin, and looked at my wife with a heavy heart. Her enlarged organs and morbid obesity were the main reasons she died.

I always thought I'd be happy the day my son called me "dad" for the first time. I probably would have been happier if he hadn't put "dad" in quotation marks.

i pulled a fat bird in the pub. We got back to my place, she began undressing and said, "I hope you'll still respect me in the morning." "I don't fucking respect you now," I replied.

After another failed attempt on the vault, I ripped my leotard. Some of the blokes don't think I'm quite cut out for bank robberies.

I'll never forget the time I met J.K. Rowling. I got to ask her about Harry's father. She thinks it's James Hewitt too.

Black people philosophy; I be, derefo' I is.

Islam is the religion of peace. All of its members are expected to wind up in pieces.

Once, I crossbred a canary with a finch. It was a cinch.

I just watched the cutest video on Youtube of a walrus dancing. Until my wife walked in and said, "Oh, I see you've seen the video of my Zumba class that got uploaded."