Sickipedia

I've shortened the rope on the bucket they use to collect water in the local village.. That didn't go down well.

I own two shirts and some neckwear that used to belong to the guy out of the mamas & the papas. All the sleeves are brown And the tie is grey.

I was going to patent a method for reusing tea bags, but Tetley have taken out a restraining order against me.

Free to a good home. Sooty, Sweep and Sue glove puppets. No cash wanted, I just want to get them off my hands..

If i could change the colour of just one of the seven dwarves i would dye happy.

I can only sleep on a pile of old magazines. I've got back issues.

I love taking pictures of myself standing next to boiling water.. Doctor says I've got selfie steam issues.

80s singer Yazz got a job as a lift attendant. She wasn't very good though.

A guy goes into a cafe near the Arctic Circle and asks the waiter what’s on the menu. The waiter says: "we have whale meat, whale meat and whale meat. And today’s special is the Vera Lynn." "What’s that?" asks the guy. "Whale meat again," says the waiter.

I took the missis out for an anniversary dinner last night and she kept saying she wanted to pay for the meal. I said it's too fucking late now we're halfway down the street just keep running.