Sickipedia

I always thought Quinten Crisp was a horse in a race, as all I ever hear is that he’s coming up the rear ….

At least when my wife see’s my search history ‘BBC Porn’ I have a good excuse now …

I was stood at the bar last night when the bloke next to me turned and said ‘ I shagged your mum’. After ignoring him a few minutes later he said it again but a little louder. Again ignoring him a few minutes pass and then he turns to me and shouts ‘ I SHAGGED YOUR MUM ‘ . At this point the whole pub goes quiet looking at us, so I turn to the man and say ‘ Go home Dad your drunk ‘

Matt Hancock caught going down on his secretary, after consulting with his friend Dominic Cummings he claims he was only doing this to test his taste and smell ....

I was shagging Wasps wife the other day and said ‘so this what it feels like to have two women on the go’, angrily she asked who else I was seeing. No one I replied I just meant due to your size it feels like two women ...

Back in my day the problem was how to get Gerrard , Lampard and Scholes playing in the same midfield. The problem now is having Jordan Henderson playing in any England midfield ...

When I saw Christian Eriksen fall to the ground, the horrified look on the players faces and his wife in tears, my first thought was he still has more chance of coming home than England winning it ...

My wife’s just had her first jab, if she doesn’t shut the fuck up when the football is on she’s going to get a second!

Three friends walk into Pontins an Englishman , Scottishman and a Ir ....... , well that jokes ruined now ....

Shagging this bird this morning and my wife walked in, she was absolutely furious! Apparently the Christmas dinner is ruined now ...