Sickipedia

The wife phoned me and said, "You better come to the hospital. My mother hasn't got long to live!" I replied "But Australia is playing a test against the Pom`s ". She said "Record it and watch it later." You should have seen her fuckin face when I turned up at the hospital with the camcorder and the tripod!!!!!.

"Dad, whats the difference between a pussy and a cunt ?" young son ask. "Look at this," says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping mother, "that's a pussy son." "Its wonderful dad, can I touch it?" "NO son," says dad, "If you touch the pussy you'll wake the cunt up!"

A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed. The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.

A man says to his wife "get ready, you me & the dog are going fishing" wife says "I don't want to go" man gives her 3 choices - fishing, blowjob or take it up the arse. Wife picks blowjob. After sucking for a while, wife says "your cock tastes like shit. He says "I know, the dog didn't want to go fishing either

I met my wife whilst I was speed dating. I said, "What the fuck are you doing here?"

Little Johnny asks for a TV in his room and his Dad, reluctantly, agrees. The next day, Johnny comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, whats love juice?" Hid dad looks horrified, but tells little Johnny all about sex. The poor lad just sits there, mouth wide open in amazement, until Dad asks, "So what were you watching?" Johnny replies, "Wimbledon.

A couple were driving at 70mph down the road, husband behind the wheel. The wife suddenly says "Honey, I know we've been married twenty years but I want a divorce." He says nothing but increases the speed to 80mph. She says "Now don't try to talk me out of it, I've been screwing your best friend for sometime now and he IS better at sex than you." He stays quiet, but speeds up to 90mph. She says "I want the house and the car." (He is now doing 100mph.) "I want the bank accounts and the credit cards too." she says The husband starts to veer towards the side of the road and a large grove of trees. The wife gets nervous and asks "Isn't there ANYTHING you want?" "No, I've got all I need." He said "Oh really, so what exactly do you have?" Just before they hit the tree at 120mph he smiles and says: "The freaking air-bag!:

I always wear a condom. Forensic science has forced me to.

When I was at school I was voted "Most Likely To Become A Paedophile".... I proved all of those cunts wrong by becoming a Priest.

A wise man once said ... absolutely nothing. He let her scream and shout, and then they had 'make-up sex' afterwards.