Sickipedia

A plane is about to crash and the pilot immediately asks the passengers if there is anyone that believes in the power of prayer. A vicar's hand immediately goes up and the pilot says "Thank fuck for that vicar, we're a parachute short!"

My youngest just told me that he'd hate to be old like me. So I killed him

My 12 year old son just walked in on me whilst I was masturbating. He asked me what I was doing. I just told him straight 'Dad is having what we call a wank, it's a nice sexual feeling that relieves a lot of sexual tension once you see white stuff coming out the end of your penis. It won't be long before you'll be doing it son!' 'Really Dad?' he replied 'Yes son' I said. 'Coz my wrist is starting to fucking kill me!'

So they're now offering a £200 reward for snitching on someone who isn't wearing a face mask in a shop without good reason. This is what things have fucking come to now, grassing each other up ffs! And today, some stupid cunt reported my girlfriend who genuinely forgot to put her face mask on before walking into a shop. Fortunately, that stupid cunt was me so I felt it only right to pay her £100 fine off for her with my reward money

So Bono has tested positive for Covid 19. Well tonight thank God it's him, instead of you!

Devastated to hear about the death of Bobby Ball. My thoughts are with his children, Rubber, Bouncy and Ping Pong

Don't join Des O'Connor tonight as he chats to legendary actor Sean Connery, comedy veteran Bobby Ball & footballing icons Diego Maradona and Ray Clemence

Been in bed all day with Covid! Stupid name for a woman I know but she's a bit of a looker and we've had some great sex and to be fair, she got me some time off work when I rang in this morning to say that I won't be in as I'm in bed with Covid and my kind boss told me not to go back for 10 days!

I'm so proud of my 13 year old boy for his quick thinking after his Mum fell and knocked herself out whilst I was at work today. Whilst she lay there unconscious, he asked himself what Dad would do in this situation....and then he fucked her

Breaking News: 10 in 5 schizophrenics now have Covid 19