Sickipedia

Elton John, David Furnish and Justin Bieber are walking down the street when Bieber trips and ends up with his head stuck between some railings. "Quick, Elton!" says Furnish, "Run into that shop over there and get some butter!" And Elton replies, "Nah, I'll just spit on my cock."

Looks like London really is being overrun by Muslims.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when his missus was kissing his chest? "Get to the choppa!"

Buddy Holly

I never feel guilty after I've had sex. Although juries often disagree.

The July 7th London Bombers were described by the Home Secretary at the time as 'cleanskins'. Nonsense. I saw their pictures in the papers, and they were definitely three Pakis and a nigger.

The company I work for puts on a charity Panto every Christmas. Last year we did Snow White and The Seven Dwarves. My boss called me into his office and said, "I've cast you as Grumpy." I replied, "Oh, for fuck's sake."

Those dolls they use in court so children can show how they were molested by nonces sound like a good idea at first, but how traumatic must it be for the kid when they see that the doll has stitches all the way up its crotch area too?

Most people think former game show host Michael Barrymore is a Cockney, but he actually hails from the quaint English village of Oldham Under-The-Water.

In bed last night my wife sighed loudly then said, "I wish you'd try something to heat things up between us under the covers!" So I farted.