Sickipedia

So Bruce Willis is going to retire from acting after being diagnosed with Aphasia. I thought he had lost his hair ages ago!

I really hope Jimmy Carr has learnt something from this gypsy holocaust controversy. Leave the sick jokes to us professionals!

So Pope Benedict is shocked that his priests abused young boys. Next he will be surprised that he is a Catholic!

'Emma Raducanu takes second set despite struggling with a blister' I wonder which one; left or right?

I don't know why it's taking so long to identify Nicola Bulley. They just need to look at the fish swimming close by; if they are soused it's definitely her.

So Bininam Girmay becomes the first black African to win a stage in a major cycle race. Apparently they told him there was a roast chicken waiting for him at the finish line. Once he had cut the lock of the bike there was no stopping him!

Well that will be more fuel for the Anti Tobacco Campaign. Heavy smoker Dot Cotton cut down in her prime at the age of 95!

I am very disappointed with Mason Greenwood. I always thought he was different from the others with his campaign for free school meals and criticism of the Tory government. It just goes to show they are all the same.

Prince Andrew says that Virginia Giuffre has 'false memories'. He's lucky, most of my girlfriends had false mammaries.

In a humanitarian gesture the Royal Family will be paying for certain American prisoners to have one last treat before their sentences start. Ghislaine Maxwell is having a luxury cruise on her Father's yacht whilst Prince Andrew has a chauffeur driven tour of Paris's tunnels to look forward to.