Sickipedia

It has emerged that David Fuller, the 67 year old charged with necrophilia, struggles to get hard. Unlike the women he has sex with.

My energy supplier, Bulb, has announced that it has gone into administration, which is fantastic because they can help me with my tax return.

My neighbour's kids are in tears after their outdoor jacuzzi was stolen. To provide reassurance the police have said that when they catch the thieves, they'll be in hot water.

"31 people die after dinghy sinks in English channel". Are they REALLY people though?

"The French should do more to prevent migrants reaching Britain!" To be fair, it's not the first time the French have given up and allowed a wave of foreigners to sweep across their country unimpeded...

"Women are terrible with directions", I told my wife. "Where are you going with this?", she asked.

It's lovely to know that more white people are popping up in Bradford, inspiring interracial harmony. The kids are out building snowmen.

Bernard Matthew's attitude towards animal welfare is fowl

Went out today and bought a Christmas tree, the bloke who sold me it asked if I'm planning on putting it up myself, I said no I'm planning on putting it up in the living room.

I hate people who make sentences out of song titles because it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.