Sickipedia

I called my boss and told him I couldn't make it to work today because the wind had blown leaves onto my car in the night. "So? Just wipe them off." he said. "Well, they're still attached to the tree." I replied.

I've created a dish using Alpaca meat cooked with butter, milk and sugar. But for some reason nobody wants me to make them a Fudge-paca.

Got some insect repellant spray, it says on the can that it may cause hallucinations. Personally I don't believe it but the flies swear it's true.

Homosexuality may not be one of the 7 deadly sins, but Pride is.

My girlfriend asked me if I want to get married someday. I said "Of course, once I meet the right woman."

My Son came home from school and told me one of his classmates now identifies as an ostrich. I said "Well you should all ostracise him then."

Police have announced they are searching for people who may have been the last to see Jessica Jaymes alive. They are hoping to interview her doctor, a teacher, her plumber, the pool boy, the pizza delivery guy and several of her sorority sisters.

Paris Zoo unveils the 'blob', an organism with no brain and 720 sexes. So basically just a Labour voter.

When James Bond is abroad he is known as +44 07. Not a lot of people know that.

My Mum hates it when I call her transparent. She used to be my Dad.