Sickipedia

If a girl fucks more than 10 guys in a year she's called a slut. But if a bloke does it he's gay, definitely gay.

What’s a four-letter word that ends in “k” and means the same as intercourse? Talk. I start with a “v” and every woman has one. She can even use me to get what she wants. What am I? Her voice. I come in a lot of different sizes. Sometimes, I drip a little. If you blow me, it feels really good. What am I? Your nose. What’s in a man’s pants that you won’t find in a girl’s dress? Pockets. What’s long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber.

I'm not sure about my thoughts on masturbation. On the one hand it's pretty good.

Got a Scouse advent calendar.All the windows were boarded up ,when I did manage to get them open all the chocs had been nicked.

Walking around Asda earlier some twat threw a lump of cheddar at me. I thought ,that's mature.

The missus has asked for something in silk for Christmas. I bet you this tin of emulsion will be "The wrong colour ".

Just took my boy to Santa's Grotto. He was stinking of booze & cannabis. I don't know what Santa made of him.

Just been to buy a Xmas tree from B&Q. The assistant asked "Are you putting it up yourself ".? What a kinky fuckin' bitch

It touches your heart doesn't it. That for only £3 a month you can save a child in Africa from dieing. Or stop a 10 year old muslim girl being raped in Asia by her Uncles. Or you can sponsor a dog so it doesn't get put down. Or that Asda are selling 4 cans of Stella for £2.99.Anyway got to rush I don't want to miss the bus to Asda

The kids keep taking the piss out of my Alziemers . They won't be laughing Christmas morning when there's no chocolate eggs under the bonfire.