Sickipedia

A lot of people think that crop circles are caused by aliens spacecraft, but I think they are done by cereal killers.

I was drinking down the pub with my scouse mate. "Had a 96 with the wife earlier", he said "Don't you mean 69?" I replied. "No", he said "She went on top and nearly crushed me to death".

I watched the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games with a group of mates and we decided to drink a small glass of sake every time we heard the word 'diversity' mentioned. When I regained consciousness this morning, I discovered that three of my friends had died of alcohol poisoning.

1949: Jeremy Corbyn is born 1950: Scientists start working on the first birth control pill Coincidence?

Labour's campaign slogan: For the lazy, Not the Jew

My grandfather always told me to aim high. Lovely bloke, terrible marksman.

The Catholic Church in England has demanded the government give its reasons for stopping services. How about this one? GOD DOESN'T EXIST!

BBC News: London Bridge attack victim had 'lust for life'. Well I've got every Iggy Pop album from The Idiot right through to Free, but nobody waxes lyrical about me!

The wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with mucus. "It's so childish!" she screamed. "No, it snot", I replied.

- Massively over-reacting to an isolated incident. - Demanding murder charges against police officers simply doing their job. - Hating the country they were born and raised in. - Using unrest as an opportunity to go looting. Fucking Liverpool fans!