Sickipedia

The government has pledged to send vegetables as food aid to the people of Gaza, thus doing its bit for peas in the Middle East. I'll get my coat.

I just read a comment on one of my most recent jokes from someone who was clearly Chinese. "ROR".

Wasp's son has fantasies about a gay mafia boss who calls himself the Godfather, describing him as a "red hot fag". (It's an anagram. And I saw it as a Countdown conundrum once.)

My family were horrified when I turned up to Granny's funeral wearing a Hawaii shirt and shorts. Turns out they wanted sombre dress, not summer dress. Nod to jeffstelling.

Jilly Cooper sat on a wall. (Side note: if this one has already been done with Liam Payne, forgive me.)

What's the difference between Laurence Graff and Jihad al-Shamie? One's a famous jeweller; the other's a famous Jew killer.

At the zoo, I watched on as one chimpanzee killed another one. With a kitchen knife, going "Fuck you, blud, innit."

Fuck me, last night it was raining cats and dogs for ages. The council is still clearing away all these dead animals off the streets.

I'm a Labour MP and I don't think Sir Keir Starmer is exactly playing his cards right.

Madeleine McCann has been found dead. By me, hanging from a noose in my basement.