Sickipedia

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE! MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL . 'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE. 'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK? 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN THE UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ARSED, GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT, BASTARD ASKED.. 'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH '

where does Kylie Minogue get her kebabs from?? Jasons Dona-van.....

whats the world coming to.... Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo. Men 1952: I just fixed the roof. Men 2016: I just shaved my legs.

I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works. He used to chew on it so much that I can't tell whether it's 2B or not 2B.

I shouted at my wife while she was in labour: "Push honey! Come on and push! You have to push harder!" She said: “Stop talking to me you fat bastard!” I mean what does she expect? It's an old car and if she wants to get to the hospital we need to get it fucking started somehow...

it cant be... can it

Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion I hope they give the little twat a tough sentence.

Question Q: If you were forced to go through one of the following doors, which door do you go through with 100 % sure you'll stay alive: a door with a man with a gun behind it, a door with a tiger who hasn't eaten in 7 years behind it, or a door with an electrical chair behind it? A: The one with the tiger behind it, because if it hasn't fucking eaten in 7 years it's dead.

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda... no." "No?" "Fact is, he got out three times for a fucking piss."

A duck walks into a job center and says to the man behind the desk 'Excuse me; I'm looking for a job. Can you help?' The man can't believe it and replies 'hold on minute sir, I'll make some inquiries for you'....the man then phones up a showbiz agency and explains that there's this amazing talking duck wanting a job and could the agent find him work in a show somewhere. Obviously the agent is excited and has no problem in finding a show for the duck. The man goes back to the duck and says 'Good news sir, I've found you job in show business' With this the duck replies 'That’s no good, I'm a plumber'