Sickipedia

Q. What's pink, rusty and sits in the garden doing nothing? A. Madeleine McCann's bike ???! Nope, vapeman's butt-plug & server in a few week's time!

Didgeridead

Fair play Cardiffians, nothing says "Sorry you were mulched, decapitated or permanently crippled in a car wreck" like Roman candles, Catherine wheels, rockets, fountains and firecrackers!

A woman has been barred from buying 100 cucumbers in a Lidl store. The shopper, a Ms Price, complained "I wouldn't need all these cucumbers except they've run out of those jumbo Thermos flasks!"

Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs, Thérèse Coffey, has commented upon the food bank and poverty crisis: "People could sell more kidneys."

It has been determined by the World Boxing Council that Conor Benn is not a drug cheat and that the detectable amount of Clomiphene in his bloodstream was caused by a highly elevated consumption of eggs. What I want to know is, where's the lying spade getting all these fucking eggs from??!

The UK Press has published the following list of retail outlets where there are no restrictions on the purchase of fruit & vegetables or salad. (1) Any shop in Scotland.

I'm pretty sure that Nicola Bulley WILL turn up in the river Wyre eventually, like the police think. Because that's where I'm going to put her when I'm finished!

Headlines: Fatal stabbings in England and Wales at highest level since records began. That's frightening. I'm going to buy a big fuck-off hunting knife for self-protection and loads amphet & steroids so I can stay awake!

Breaking News: The death toll in Turkey, which has a majority Muslim population, has already passed 5,000. The World Health Organisation is projecting that deaths from the recent earthquakes will soon pass 20,000. On a sad note, a green parakeet named Archie is missing in Brentwood.