Sickipedia

Paddy had married a French woman and lived in the Paris suburbs. One evening they were out walking their dog when suddenly his wife screeched and said "Paddy, look. Is that not Monsieur Paty the teacher?" pointing to a severed head propped up against the kerb. Paddy glanced around and replied "I'll grant ye he does look a bit like Samuel but Samuel's much taller!"

Food influencer Chaheti Bansal has called for people to cancel the word 'curry' as it is over-used and rooted in British colonialism. As a lover of Phalls and Vindaloos I have to agree, how about 'arsefirewogslop' ? Does what is says on the tin!

Rapper T.I. (no me neither) has admitted that he takes his teenage daughter to a gynaecologist every year to examine her hymen to confirm she is still a virgin. Too bad she hasn't got a hymen on her tonsils or her arsehole!

Pfizer Industries, (manufacturer of Viagra), postulated a question to the world of academia; 'What is the function of the glans as evolved in Homo Sapien?' (the knobbly bit at the end of the penis). They offered a $5M bursary to any institution that could adequately explain the mystery. Professor Torhild Skarsgård and her research team at the University of Oslo spent 4 million Krone on a 6 month long research project that concluded the glans had almost certainly evolved to enhance the female's coital experience and increase the chances of impregnation. Professor Sir Arthur Hebblethwaite and his research team at the University of Oxford spent £700,000.00 on a 9 month long research project that concluded the glans had almost certainly evolved to enhance the male's coital experience and improve the chances of paternity. Professor Paddy O'Murphy and his research team at the University of Dublin spent €27.68 (Jazz mags, KY & Kleenex) on a 12 minute long research project that concluded the glans had almost certainly evolved to stop your hand flying off the end of your cock when you're wanking.

Camilla stricken with coronavirus. Just what we need, a fucking equine variant!

There's a rumour that surgeons in the US have performed the first ever penis & scrotum transplant on an injured army veteran. Sounds like a cock & balls story to me!

Beth Matthews: Swansea woman with Down's Syndrome signed by modelling agency. Soon to be the face of King Edward potatoes.

I knew my marriage was in trouble that night I had a heart attack, the missus used a 2nd class stamp when she wrote for an ambulance!

Germany: Crematoria struggling to keep pace with the number of bodies piling up. Come on Fritz, I seem to recall you used to be rather good at this type of thing!

Do you like flowers but don't have time to look after your garden? Just pay someone to run down a kid right outside your house!