Sickipedia

- mummy mummy when will we get to Europe? - shut up and keep on swimming.

- mummy mummy can I please play with daddy? - of course you can, just make sure you put him back in the box when you've done.

a psychiatrist is doing the rounds in the ward. He approaches a rather self-absorbed patient and asks 'good morning how are you today?' the patient gives him a nasty look and says 'don't you realise I am Stalin and you shall address me in the proper manner!'. 'Oh, I didn't realise' said the psychiatrist. 'but ... how do you know you are Stalin?'. 'God told me!' replies the nutter. At which point, someone shouts from the next room 'liar! I never told him that!'.

Have you heard about the dyslexic pimp? He opened a warehouse.

What's the fastest way to overthrow a government in Africa? Shake the tree

How do you stop a hyperactive child running in circles? Nail his other foot to the floor!

A notice in a church reads: "The box marked 'for the sick' is for monetary contributions only "

Martin forgot his clubcard. It was a pointless trip to the supermarket.

What do you call a bear with mood swings? Bi polar bear

I always wondered how come the twat that writes all these awful jokes in the Christmas crackers hasn't got sacked yet?!