Sickipedia

My grandad is always complaining about how much things cost. '£1.50 for a cup of tea, £2.25 for 3 custard creams...' I said 'Look grandad, you just popped round I didn't fucking invite you'

I Hate paedophiles, they all need fucking hanging from a lamppost by their bollocks. What makes any man want to fuck a youngster, sick bastards. Mind you if I was a paedophile I would definitely fuck the sexy 10 year old who lives next door, she is so fucking sexy in her school uniform.

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!' The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show him."

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles. Who the hell runs 8 miles in 45 seconds

Thought up a great way to stop getting parking tickets... Take the windscreen wipers off your car

Its not Pancake Day for another 11 months and already the supermarkets are selling flour, eggs and milk. When did it all become so commercialised?

I was picking up some dog poo in the park today and thought to myself... I really should get a dog

Sexy 10 year old school girls with bald cun.......... Sorry I thought I was on Google search

The hardest part about starting a new relationship is learning how to fart silently again

walked past a homeless guy earlier and throw 50p into his cup.. he shouted after me "thanks a lot you cunt, you just ruined my coffee"