Sickipedia

My Mrs had a ring pierced into one of her nipples last week. She couldn't understand why she kept tripping over until I pointed out she was catching her big toe in it.

Freddie Mercury walks into a gardening store looking for new turf. The assistant says to Fred, "We have a new type in stock. It's made of tubular blades, negating the need for scraping weeds. Would you like that one or regular sod?" The toothy bender thinks for a moment and replies, "I want tube, rake free."

I was questioned by Police yesterday, apparently they were looking into a paedophile ring. I told them I would be interested in buying one to go with my rape earrings and bestiality bracelet.

If you went to a strip club at lunchtime and it wasn't open, would the sign on the door say... "SORRY, WE'RE CLOTHED"

I've just discovered that before he died, Paul Daniels was working on a new trick with Harry Styles and his ex bandmates. The trick would see Mr Daniels making each of the lads' flaccid cocks hard with his hocus pocus. He was planning on naming the trick Wand Erection. I'm so sorry...

Now I'm not the sharpest tool in the box but I think, and it's only a hunch at this time, but I have a feeling that fake unfunny unclebilly takes our mums up the shitter.

"Red and yellow and pink and green, purple and orange and blue..... " Dana - beautiful voice, absolutely fucking terrible snooker player..

Ian Watkins was having a chin wag with his cell mate, saying he was going through a rough patch with his girlfriend. "When she visits you need to pamper her" said his fellow paedo. "That won't help" replied Watkins, "She prefers Huggies". I honestly think I've made this up but it seems too obvious not to have been done before. If it has been, please accept my sincere contrafibularities.

The average Birch tree: About twenty feet of the trunk is usable (below the lowest branch). The trunk is straight. The average diameter is twelve inches. Only outer, lighter sap wood is used, about 50 percent of the main stem wood is usable sap wood. A standard match is 2.25″ long, 1/8″ by 1/8″ square (1/64″ area) Using these assumptions, an “average” tree would yield 383,296 matchsticks. My question is: How small do the fucking Stereophonics think trees are?

George Michael has sent Aretha Franklin a message from beyond the grave... "I Knew You Were Waiting For Me..... To Go First"