Sickipedia

My mate Dave lost his job at the abortion clinic last week when it was closed for the duration. Poor guy now has to buy food for his dog.

Sean Connery used to sing Otis Redding songs as lullabies to his baby son. The poor lad was ten years old before he realised the dock of the bay wasn’t actually covered in excrement.

A recent survey out shows that 90% of men don't know how to use condoms. These people are called Dads...

I like both my special needs children just the way they are. Aborted.

I remember when in the good old days the hardest thing about having a baby was choosing a name. Nowadays, it's choosing a gender.

I have full custody of my kids. They're still in my bollocks.

A guy wakes up next to his wife after a night of drinking, looks at her and says, "Did you sleep on my left side or right side last night?" She says, "Left side, why?" He replies, "Oh shit, I fucked the baby"

To football lovers everywhere: If you get your wife or girlfriend pregnant in the next week, you can get two weeks paternity leave for Euro 2020. On the downside you will have to pay for the cunt for the rest of your life.

I congratulated a friend recently for losing that baby weight. She started crying and said i shouldn't make fun of her miscarriage like that.

Boris Johnson becomes a father for the ninth time. Has he ever pulled out of anything other than the EU?