Sickipedia

Cars have too many gadgets these days. I was reversing my car and it started playing a video of someone getting run over by a car.

My dad asked, " Do you know where I could get a Toupee." " Not off the top of my head " I replied.

That driver in Liverpool was a delivery driver for Costa Coffee. Apparently someone had ordered 12 flat whites.

Had an ice cream van come around the other day, the bloke serving was dressed as a Viking, I asked for 2 cornets and a 99, he said he could only do tubs. It was lvar the Coneless

With the cold weather approaching, you can replace your birds drinking water with vodka to prevent it freezing over. Another good one is antifreeze. Chris Packham, BBC.

I like my women like my coffee. From the corner of the street and I never pay more than a fiver.

I was sacked from the funeral home for playing The Mexican Hat Dance. Turns out the relatives wanted sombre music, not sombrero

🎶'It's nine o'clock on a Saturday The regular crowd shuffles in There's an old man sitting next to me Making love to his tonic and gin" 🎶 Make sure you give that glass a good wash then

Trump speaking to his doctor: "My eyes hurt every time I try to touch Melania" Trump's doctor: "It's probably the pepper spray."

Gutted you didn't make it to Glastonbury? Just put 12 different cds on around the house and then stand at the back of the garden occasionally throwing pints of piss down your back.