Sickipedia

If I had a pound for every time someone said I drink too much... .... I'd have been able to afford a lot more drink.

I'm what they call a "functioning alcoholic." As long as my liver is functioning, I'm an alcoholic.

Dad died peacefully surrounded by family and friends - the funeral director's choice of words. They wouldn't allow 'We thought he was pulling a whitey'.

Not the first time Charlie's been taken at a political rally.

During my first driving lesson, I started vomiting a lot, whereupon my instructor immediately aborted it. I shouldn't have drunk that six pack of Heineken beforehand.

I regularly smuggle drugs between countries by hiding it up my arse. It may only be a 'teenth, and I'm only going from Chester to Rhyl, but you can't be too careful.

Mykhailo Mudryk has been provisionally suspended by the Football Association after failing a drugs test. He could be banned for four years. As proper punishment for all concerned, he should be forced to play every game for Chelsea.

My wife has started to suspect I have a drinking problem, after I fell asleep at the wheel.

I crashed into a police car while driving over the limit. Then I said, "Does this mean I've failed my driving test?"

Emmanuel Macron has adopted an old slogan. Je Suis Charlie.