Sickipedia

Do you know what boils my piss? My kettle, the mother in law is coming over for tea and biscuits shortly.

My son’s new girlfriend has got an awful skin condition. She’s black.

My wife asked me why I always buy ribbed condoms.I told her that your mum prefers them....

As I stared out of the window this morning, I said to my wife: "Oh my God, look at it, it's so grey and miserable." "Stop being a cunt" she replied, "just go and let my mother in."

That's the last time I take the mother-in-law on holiday with us. Moan, moan, moan, all the way down to Devon and she even got on the kid's nerves in the end. Eventually I screeched the car to a halt and threatened to untie her from the roof rack.

"Ohhh, christ yeah....." I sighed as I came over my sister-in-law's tits. "I've been waiting years to do that." Oh well, suppose I'd better get the lid back on the coffin.

I've still got one more thing to open from Christmas day. The door, to let my mother-in-law in.

Sitting with the kids gathered around my mother in-laws hospital bed, we started talking about a family holiday to Florida. With that she removed her oxygen mask and muttered the words, “Oh how I wish I could go right now”. I took one look at the kids who were so excited. “How about it dad?”, they asked. I whispered into here ear, “You’ll like it where you’re going”...While pulling the plug out of the old hags life support machine.

Was staying at my girlfriends house last night. Her dad wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed. Which is really upsetting because he's a very attractive man

The wife said, "My mother thinks you're shifty. You never look her in the eye." I replied, "There's a practical reason for that." "What?" "I don't want to be turned to stone."