Sickipedia

I was just taking a dip in the swimming pool when the lifeguard shouted out.. "What have you got there?" "Hummus", I replied.

With my Ukrainian refugees arriving tomorrow, I decided to get some shopping in. I bought two cases of Chianti and twelve tins of Fava Beans.

If you offered me the chance to be a cannibal for a day, I'd bite your hand off.

We raised our glasses and toasted the bride and groom ... They screamed in agony with the heat of the fire ...but they tasted quite nice. What a bit of luck those honeymooners wandering into our pygmy village like that..

As a bulimic cannibal, I find first dates can be really difficult. Women never seem to like when I bring up my exes.

I'm off on an expedition to find a cannibal tribe. I'm sure I'll be safe though. I'm bringing my friend Stew and his wife Peaches.

The missus can do a perfect seagull impression. She doesn't do the noise, she just takes your chips and shits on your car.....

People bitching about the price of food are idiots, it's the quality I'm worried about. I haven't had a decent kebab since I was in Blackpool in November 2003.

In my life I've had more than a few "Yummy mummies" ! This is also why I'm now doing life for cannibalism.

The Qatari government has been under increasing pressure to disclose the true number of migrant workers killed. No official death toll has been released but if you ask me it's a brave man who eats the stadium hot dogs.