Sickipedia

I'm looking for volunteers for Help for Heroes. Cadbury need help filling the other three-quarters of the fucking tub. (And if you like this joke (or not), please donate a few quid to the real Help for Heroes this Christmas like I have - they have my total respect.)

My wife took 24hrs to die after I’d turned off her life-support machine or, as most people call it, the fridge. I’m celebrating now, with a few warm beers.

A desert locust can eat it's own body weight in food in a single day. The only other creature on the planet which is able to accomplish this feat is Gemma Collins.

Childhood obesity has its upsides. 10 year olds with decent size tits. Every cloud.

I met my Tinder date who looked nothing like her profile picture. "Fucking hell love, when you said you liked cats I didn't think you meant Kit-Kats."

Former darts world champion Andy Fordham, who once weighed 31 stone, has died at the age of 59. He accidentally jabbed himself with a dart and burst.

When my son was born, it was a real surprise for our family. My wife's so fat that we didn't even know she was pregnant until he popped out.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long for fat people.

What do you do when you see Beth Ditto & Gemma Collins ahead of you in the buffet car? Have a glass of water

My wife's so fat, i need the 'What3words' app to find her fanny.