Sickipedia

Got some insect repellant spray, it says on the can that it may cause hallucinations. Personally I don't believe it but the flies swear it's true.

I went to see the doctor with a nasty rash on the top of my leg. I told him "the weird thing is when I squeeze the pus out of the pimples, I hear the latest tunes playing " He said "oh you have a severe case of spotty thigh".

They say never to look in the mirror when tripping on shrooms, but how else are you supposed to see behind you when driving.

My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. "What can I do for you?" He asked. "Our son has got an imaginary friend," said my wife. "There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop, and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." Said the psychiatrist. "We haven't got a son." I replied.

Not saying I'm a lazy cunt, but just paid for a 12 month Gym membership and the bank have called to see if my card has been stolen.

I was playing tiddly winks with my dog, he was really good at it and beating me 6-0. Suddely he changed tactics and ate all his winks ... I said "why did you do that?, you were winning and now you've forfeited the whole game for no reason" My dog said "yes it was a bit counter in chewative"

You say I'm crazy. The voices say I'm not. Nine against one, motherfucker!

I took a shitload of Es & got into a fight with a stringed instrument. “I’m a harp,” it argued. “You’re too short to be a harp,” I argued back. “Are you called me a lyre?” it cried.

Doctor Doolittle, he talks to the animals. We can all talk to fucking animals mate, it's getting them to talk back that's the hard part.

My brother is a big prog rock and loves the band YES. In the 70s and 80s he actually asked jon anderson the lead singer to fart into a bottle and cork it so he could sell it one day .. He's kept it down in his cellar for years, He was sorting some junk out, and he heard a muffled voice coming from the bottle " you haven't been to see me for years, leaving me on my own down here you selfish twat" he's....The owner of a lonely fart