Sickipedia

I always look forward to Halloween when all the young women go out dressed like sluts. And every year I'm reminded that I live in England and most of those slags look much better with their clothes on.

Halloween: When Demons and Ghouls hang out together. Because Demons are a Ghoul's best friend.

I’m not saying that my son’s new girlfriend is ugly, but she just knocked on our door and I handed her some Haribo’s.

I went to the costume store to rent a Dracula outfit for Halloween. The clerk brought me a Trump costume. I told him he must have misheard me, " I said I wanted to look like a Count"

My Halloween party is approaching and I was wondering what to dress as this year ? A zombie, a clown, a fat nonce, a dictator, a murderer, The damned or an escaped mental patient that loves Jimmy Saville ? I thought sod it I'll go as the bloody lot. So this year I'm going as Kier Starmer.

Could somebody please tell Tulisa that Halloween is over...

'Coldplay's Chris Martin falls through trapdoor at gig.' "He was a bad egg!" Said Willy Wonka-

I've just been to my Nan's house, and fair play to her, at 94, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and live insects in the windows and a skeleton on the sofa. She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer. I'll pop back tomorrow!

Halloween must be a great time of the year for Jehovah's Witnesses. All they have to do is wear a mask and the chances of somebody actually opening the door, improve dramatically.

I went dressed as a leaf for a Halloween party, one guy came in dressed as a leaf blower. Needless to say, it was awkward and we tried to avoid each other all night.