Sickipedia

Is it just me, or every time i pass a female jogger i just think rape!

My dad says we shouldn't reward people with trophies for participation, because it's like a reward for losing. So I took his Vietnam Veteran hat.

I walked into Curry's and asked for a chest freezer I said it had to be big enough to hold two dead bodies. So I ordered one and left. When I got home the police were waiting for me, "Ha, good afternoon officers, " I said, "I do hope you're here about the burglary I reported three weeks ago. "

A boy says to his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have got green fingers when their fingers aren't green?" His dad replies, "It's just a saying, son. It's like when someone is caught stealing something, they say that they've been caught red-handed', even though their hands are actually black."

"Above Us Only Sky" is the motto of John Lennon Airport in Liverpool, a line taken from the classic song 'Imagine' The baggage handlers motto is also taken from the same song. "Imagine No Possessions"

"Irish boy to be reunited with wheelchair after public appeal"-they found it in my basement where I was keeping Madeleine Mccann!

I paid a carpenter to make me a double bed and the cunts done a bunk.

Mystery fans. Don't waste your time reading Ruth Rendell novels or playing Cluedo. Just post something on here and try and work out which miserable twat keeps voting you down.

Some pikeys have stolen all the bus stop signs from our street. For fuck sake, where do these people get off?

Weird: People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin