Sickipedia

The last thing my dad said to me was to call me a selfish prick. Dialysis machine or not, my phone was down at 20% and that's not a risk I was prepared to take.

Sad to hear that Patricia Routledge has kicked the bouquet

It's been a bad week for music. Ozzy Ozbourne dead. Cleo Laine dead. Ed Sheeran continues his tour........

A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living. Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail." Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better." All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?" Johnny says: "My Dad is dead." "I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?" "He turned blue, and shit on the carpet."

Tom Lehrer dies. Finally, the pigeons in the park get their revenge.

I went to see the local priest today. I asked him to say a prayer for my ill mother-in-law. Apparently, they only do that if you want them to get better.

I didn't buy a ticket for the Oasis reunion gig, they were too expensive for my budget. A mate of mine took the plunge, though.

Jilly Cooper sat on a wall. (Side note: if this one has already been done with Liam Payne, forgive me.)

My local undertaker has a new promotion on. He lets you lie on a coffin to see how suitable it will be. He calls it "try before you die."

Esther Rantzen has confirmed the reason behind her terminal illness. Sausages..