Sickipedia

I was up in front of the magistrate for shoplifting. "You have been brought before me for the theft of £212.39 pence worth of goods from Tesco. I must make you aware, as the cost of goods stolen is more than £200, the penalty for shoplifting can lead to a sentence of up to seven years" said the magistrate. "£191.47" I replied. "What do you mean?" asked the magistrate. "I've got a Clubcard"

Zelenskyy the little leprechaun went to Washington DC to yet again ask for a shit ton of money, where the LGBTQ agenda has now been happily removed. When there's no longer a rainbow, there's no longer a pot of gold at the bottom.

Top tip: easily spot looters disguised as firefighters by simply checking their helmets aren’t on backwards and one trouser leg isn’t rolled up. Alternatively ask for an axe, the resulting confusion should quickly identify any imposters.

To the black man that snatched my wife's purse...... enjoy your no money and 14 XXXL tampons that you made off with.

47 years ago, the adorable French singer Lio sang about having her banana split suddenly stolen by the abominable snowman.... I finally understood what she was talking about, after I saw my yeti-like wife rip the ice-cream out of the hands of a younger slender girl.

Michelle Money

"My friends and family are coming over," I said, "hide all the silver and valuables." "Are they thieves?," asked my wife. "No," I replied, "They might recognise it."

In the NEWS: Sir Billy Connolly issues an alarming warning to fans in new statement warning fans about scammers impersonating him online. How do we know he issued the statement though?

Still getting used to my curfew ankle tag after recently being released from prison. Just taking it step by step.

I thought my black neighbour worked in construction But I realised he works in the steal industry