Sickipedia

Facebook asks what I'm thinking. Twitter asks what I'm doing. Google asks where I am. The internet has turned into my girlfriend

My girlfriend turned over angrily in bed. "You're only interested in one thing!" she exclaimed. "Can't we just cuddle?" "Yes, I know," I replied. "England need 15 off 8 balls to win. Now shut up and go to sleep."

My girlfriend's not the best looker but she did plan a nice Easter afternoon, some chocolate treats followed by Oxford v Cambridge. Nice eggs, shame about the Boat Race.

My girlfriend said to me when I picked her up from work today. "When was the last time you had sex with someone that wasn't me?" I said, "Before we met." She smiled. "Aw really? That's so sweet." "Yes," I replied, "About 20 minutes ago."

I hug my girlfriend really tight after sex. That way she deflates quicker.

Hi Lads... Just thought I'd let you know I have a load of knocked-off Victoria's Secret bra sets just arrived which will make fabulous Christmas gifts for your wife or girlfriend, but they're selling fast. If you can send a photo of your wife's or girlfriend's tits, I'll let you know if we have any left that will fit. Merry Christmas!

My Indian girlfriend said I could give her a facial. I almost came on the spot.

A transgender person cut me in line at the supermarket. “You’re LGBT, right?” I asked. “You forgot about the ‘Q’,” they replied “No,” I said, “you did.”

A British company has created a line of underwear designed to make women’s bums appear larger. Just a tip, don’t ask your girlfriend if she’s wearing them.

My girlfriend thinks I'm creepy. Well, she's not my girlfriend yet