Sickipedia

Ukraine has announced plans to open Chernobyl as a theme park. They say ”Its just like Disneyland.” Yeah except the 6-foot mouse is real.

My dog loves it, when I bring home some tit-bits for him after work. One of the perks of working in the local mastectomy unit.

I walked into the Doctors Surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." "Capricorn." I replied. "Yeah, right," he tutted. "As if I'm about to tell you that you have Capricorn. Try again."

In bed with the missus last night, I reached over and started fondling her breasts. "Ooh," she giggled. "Trying to get lucky, are you?" "Sure am," I replied. "But I haven't found a lump yet."

If God chooses who goes to Heaven, then surely Sean Lock's been picked. RIP

If there's one consolation for Sarah Ferguson, it's that Prince Andrew doesn't like tits on his girls anyway

"Wahey! Result!... I've just sold Ryan's bike for £85 on ebay!" I shouted to the wife. "For fucks sake Dave," she replied, "The doctors haven't even confirmed if it's terminal yet."

"Since the cancer diagnosis I've been living life to the full. I'm out drinking and whoring every night." "Doesn't your missus mind?" "She hates it, but what the fuck... the doctor said it's really aggressive and she'll be dead soon."

"Backlog of cancer patients awaiting treatment should clear within a matter of months" - Matt Hancock ...Sort of fixes itself does that one Matt.

I've just seen an ad for Young Lives v Cancer. I don't know about you, but I'm having a tenner on cancer.