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So I just got stopped by the police as part of their "Christmas Drink-Driving Campaign" This female copper asked me " How many drinks have you had in the last 24hrs?" Apparently " Not enough to shag you!" was the wrong answer.

Did you know that if you hit a child at just over 30mph then it causes 230 quids worth of damage to the front end of my Renault Clio.

They say '50 is the new 30'. I still got three points on my licence though.

“We’re rotating on the earths axis at 750 mph and revolving around the Sun at 67,000 mph, moreover we’re moving, in relation to other galaxies, at 490,000 mph...” “So my question is Your Honour, in the strictest meaning of the word ‘speeding’, are we not all in a sense ‘guilty’ ? “.

Got pulled by the police, the pig said "that sign clearly says no u turns, and that pal applies to you". I said "sorry I didn't do a U turn . He said "I saw you do it !" I said "no you saw me do an n turn I would have to be in reverse to do a U turn".

"Do you know what speed you were doing, Sir?" asked the policeman. "I do apologise Officer," I replied. "I've never used this road before, and I honestly thought it was an unrestricted zone." "No you didn't!!" my wife protested. "We only live round the corner, you said you were putting your foot down because there wouldn't be any coppers around this late!" "May I see your insurance?" the cop said grimly. "I've just renewed it," I assured him. "It'll be in the post, I'll drop a copy to the station next week." "Actually," said the wife, "you were short on cash this month and said you'd leave it til you had the money. It ran out a fortnight ago." I turned to her and snapped "will you keep your mouth shut, you stupid bitch...." "Does he always talk to you like that, Madam?" asked the copper. "No," my wife replied. "Only when he's been drinking." One of my favourite Barry Cryer originals.

Who remembers that horrific advert a few years back.. If you hit me at 30... theres an 80% chance I'll live.... If you hit me at 40... theres an 80% chance I won't be available to pick you out in court. THINK!

A farmer gets a phone call from his son who says: Dad, I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor but it’s still alive, what should I do ? Shoot it says the farmer, and then bury it where no one will find it. 20mins later he gets another call from his son who says: I’ve done that dad, now what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike ?

Statistically if you get hit by another car these days, you are more likely to die or be seriously injured and the damage to your vehicle much greater. This is maily because of the fashion for big stupid ridiculous 3 ton cars . And that most of them are driven by women and cunts that don't know how to drive . P.s how do you know when you've passed an elephant ? You can't get the bog seat down .

A policeman pulled me over on the motorway. He said, 'Do you know how fast you were going back there, Sir?' I replied, 'You expect me to read a fucking speedometer in this state?'