Sickipedia

If your woman put on weight over the holidays, suggest some exercise. Get her to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening. By the end of January, the problem should be about 42 miles away.

Give it back

A hunter accidentally shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun. A few hours later, while lying in a hospital bed, he’s approached by his doctor. Doctor: “The good news is, you’re going to be okay. The bad news is there’s some pretty significant buckshot damage to your penis, so I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.” Hunter: “Is she a plastic surgeon?” Doctor: “No. She plays the flute… she’ll teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your face.”

Serious time

Got laid off recently, this could've worked lol

Drinking a cold one while feeling like a champ, hell yeah! lol

Wife finds a pair of women's panties in the laundry that aren't hers. She confronts husband: "Whose are these?!" Husband: "They're yours. I bought them for you as a surprise." Wife: "Really? Then why do they say, 'Chad's Bitch' on the waistband?" Husband: "…Because Chad helped pick them out. Team effort."

The pain in Spain comes mainly from the train.

...

Dear Democratic Socialists, Please stop comparing me to Trump. I'm one of you guys! Sincerely, Adolf Hitler.